Tips For Dealing With A Partner Who Doesn’t Validate Your Feelings
It’s important for people to feel seen and heard in their relationships. Invalidation can be hurtful and damaging to your self-esteem. When your partner doesn’t validate you, it can also lead to breakdowns in communication and simmering resentment. If you’re struggling with a partner who doesn’t validate your feelings, here are a few ways to cope.
What Does Invalidation Look Like?
Invalidation isn’t just the absence of validation.
More specifically, it can be an overt dismissal of another person’s feelings, inattentiveness when talking about their emotions, judgment about their emotional reaction, or changing the subject entirely.
Some common invalidating phrases might be:
You always overreact
You don’t have it as bad as other people
It’s stupid to feel this way
Just forget about what’s bothering you
While invalidation is often verbal, it can also be read through nonverbal cues. Your partner may roll their eyes, yawn, pay more attention to the television, or glance at their phone. These are all signs they’re not engaging in communication with you and, by extension, aren’t listening to and validating your feelings. If any of these seem like how your partner interacts with you, here are a few ways to deal with them.
How to Address Invalidation
Continue communicating your needs
Even if it feels like they don’t listen or take ownership of their behavior, it’s important to sit down with your partner and express how their lack of validation makes you feel. This means using I-statements to talk about your feelings. Instead of using accusatory language, be assertive about how you’ve been impacted. Start the conversation by saying “I have been feeling invalidated in this relationship, and it’s affected me in the following ways. I’d like to be heard right now.”
Lead by example
Sometimes, a person struggles to validate their partner’s feelings because they lack empathy or have difficulty understanding different perspectives. Try to model empathy in your relationship by actively listening to your partner, acknowledging their feelings, and putting yourself in their shoes. Show them what true emotional validation can look like. This can both give them something to aim for and serve as a contrast to their own invalidating behavior.
Validate yourself
Don’t just rely on your partner for validation. Learn to practice self-love and self-validation. This might mean putting up affirmations you can hold onto each day. Keep yourself grounded with statements like:
I love myself
My feelings are valid
It’s okay to feel the way I do
I’m doing better every day
Don’t judge yourself for any of your emotions. Be kind to yourself. Make your inner voice sound like your best friend.
Evaluate the relationship
If your partner consistently invalidates your feelings, carefully consider why you want to continue the relationship. Is your partner’s lack of validation a persistent pattern that negatively impacts your mood? Do you otherwise feel respected, valued, and supported by them? Weigh the good and the bad. If they’re unwilling to change, and validation is something you need from a relationship, you deserve a partner who can give that to you.
See a therapist
Whether you want to see a therapist one-on-one or get into couples counseling with your partner, therapy can be the best place to talk through your issues. In individual therapy, you’ll learn how to validate yourself, build your self-esteem, regulate your emotions, and cope with stressors. If you want to work through communication issues with your partner, a couples therapist can pinpoint where your communication problems stem from and guide you through resolving conflict.
To find out more about how therapy can help your feelings be heard, please reach out to us.
