My Child Is Lying To Me…Why?

Lying is a completely normal behavior for children. Even though it’s frustrating, as a parent, you need to understand what’s motivating these lies and how to address them. Since you want to raise your child with healthy and honest habits, there are steps you can take to understand your child and help mitigate lying in the process. Let’s examine why kids lie and how to redirect them.

Why Do Kids Lie?

To get out of trouble

Typically, children lie to avoid punishment or consequences for their actions. If your kid hasn’t done his homework, he might lie to you about why. If your teen missed their curfew, she might give you made-up excuses about where she was or who she was with.

When kids lie for this reason, they’re often just as afraid of punishment as they are of disappointing their parents.

To individuate themselves

Individuation is a normal, important psychological process. As children develop, they begin to form a stable personality that’s separate from their parents. Sometimes, lying is a part of this process. It can be a way to assert control over their lives or to explore pushing boundaries. This lying isn’t necessarily malicious; rather, it’s an attempt to test the waters in their relationship with you while establishing a sense of autonomy.

To fit in with friends

Sometimes, kids lie to earn cool points with friends or to conform to peer pressure. This might mean bragging in front of others about wealth or possessions to seem more important. They may also make up stories to be more accepted by their friends. This lying can come from a fear of rejection or a desire to be popular.

To avoid hurting feelings

Has a relative ever given your kid an age-inappropriate gift, but you still encouraged them to say how much they loved it? This teaches children that it’s okay to tell a white lie to spare someone’s feelings. In children with anxiety, however, these white lies might become a crutch elsewhere in their lives. For example, if your kid is up all night worrying about school the next day, they may lie to you about sleeping well. To avoid upsetting you, they’ll turn to little lies.

How Can You Steer Your Kid in the Right Direction?

Don’t shut them down.

Kids don’t respond well when you approach the conversation with accusations. Instead, encourage them to talk you through their thought processes. If they’re lying to avoid consequences, being open and honest is one way to coax the truth out of them. Let them know that you value their honesty and that mistakes are a part of learning and growing up.

Look at their motivations.

Since lies are typically situation-specific, think about where that impulse to lie may have come from. Were they afraid of your reaction? Did they want to impress a friend? Have they been anxious lately? Knowing the reason can help you address the cause.

Stick to consequences.

Talk with your kid about how lies can impact trust and relationships. Once you establish appropriate consequences for lying, don’t negotiate. They may try to reason with you, saying that since they were eventually honest, they don’t deserve to have their phone taken away or to stay in on the weekend. But let these be moments of teaching. However, when a child is honest in other ways, reward them.

Are You Concerned About Your Child’s Behavior?

If you’ve been trying to encourage your kid to tell the truth and nothing seems to work, there might be something else going on. Lying can be a symptom of other behavioral or mental health issues, such as ADHD or anxiety. If you’re concerned about your child’s persistent lying or other sudden changes in behavior, consider seeing a child therapist.

To learn more about how therapy can address lying in children, please get in touch with us.